Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The corn is still green on the other side

wedding 284 042509.JPG, originally uploaded by Ducky Doc.

A few months in Springfield Illinois have taught me more than a few things, not the least of which is this.
I decided tonight to stop counting the days until next year. Okay, I'm sure I'll want to count them again when I have a bad "medicine" day. The point is that I realized I was counting away the days of my life. Each day that I've been here I've found that there is something wonderful about the current time. Living in the future defeats the purpose of living at all.
I know I sound all philosophical and all, but hang in there.
I miss my Kentucky peeps, but I really like my Illinois peeps too.
I'm pretty sure the magical wonders of facebook, email, and video chat help that a lot. I've come to realize that I shouldn't flitter past the current moment in hopes of getting to what I think is in the future.
I found out that my (fabulous) brother and sister in law will soon be moving too. Maybe in the not so far off future they could be moving quite a bit farther away. Who knows. It just goes to prove that the things that you take for granted could be totally different at a moments notice. I can't imagine what the future has in store for me, and I can only hope that I am able to embrace it with open arms.
I am sorry that I was so trepidatious about moving here. I have made what I hope are fantastic life long friends. I have been taken care of by people who didn't even know I existed months ago. I thank them. I thank them immensely. I am not sure that they can ever know how much they have truly meant to me by just being their wonderful selves.

I have learned to go where god takes me without question or hesitation, he will take care of me there.

Psalm 37:4,7
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him

“Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.”

“I can't control my destiny, I trust my soul, my only goal is just to be. There's only now, there's only here. Give in to love or live in fear. No other path, no other way. No day but today.”-RENT

For Tabitha-- “Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.”
James Dean

“Every man has his own destiny: the only imperative is to follow it, to accept it, no matter where it leads him.”
Henry Miller

Romans 14:5
One person regards one day above another, another regards every day alike. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Picking myself up and dusting myself off.

Fire dancer, originally uploaded by Ducky Doc.

A quote from an E-mail forward from my wonderful aunt. Seemed very appropriate right now.

What if you did have the power, the reach, and the glory?

What if you were given dominion over all things?

And what if eternity lay before you, brimming with love, friends, and laughter?

Yet still, one day, in all your radiance, bubbling over with giddy excitement, you tripped, fell, and got hurt - really hurt.

Would you give up on all of your dreams? Would you hate yourself? Would you forget life's magic and promise?

Or would you shrug it off, look ahead, and exclaim that it's "just a flesh wound"?

Monday, May 25, 2009


Hawaii , originally uploaded by Ducky Doc.

Realizing I should be blogging about things like the wedding, the honeymoon, or graduation I am going to go a completely different direction.
For around a week now the sunset here in Kentucky has made me cry. Sunsets in Kentucky are absolutely breathtaking; I love them. I’ve travelled a lot, and never seen one even close. The crying isn’t from majestic beauty, it’s from sadness/stress/being a pessimist. All the beautiful sunsets recently, usually something that brings me great joy have embodied an end to another day to me. Another day gone, another day closer to an end. This end is one which will take me 6 hours from all that is familiar to me. Not only all that is familiar, but all that is comfortable. I lay in bed or sit on the couch and wish for the day to never end so that the next won’t begin.
I want to be around for everything. I want to see what little “Boy Parasite” looks like, as I know he will be perfect. I want to help my future sister-in-law hand stamp her wedding invitations. I want to be there to post bond when a family medicine resident strangles another with her stethoscope. I want to be able to drive to Harrodsburg on short notice to escort people to the doctor. I want to go out for a drink when someone delivers her first set of triplets. I want to be here when someone comes home to visit her aunt, or someone comes home to visit his sister and niece.
I want I want I want.
I suddenly realized on the way home tonight that I was concentrating on the wrong natural phenomenon. Around 9 hours later is sunrise. A new beginning; admittedly one that is much earlier than I like to be awake.
I will I will I will.
I will be a doctor, I will be a Radiologist. I will be in a program that allows me to be a real human being (after intern year.) I will be with my wonderful husband. I will not be in an apartment. I will get to meet many new people. There will be corn and soybeans and Lincoln and corn…… Okay, so I’m stretching, but there will be lots of wonderful things I am sure. I am going to try to stop moping and pay attention while I am still here. It’s a small world, after all there is always facebook ;)

Friday, March 20, 2009


match day-29.JPG, originally uploaded by Ducky Doc.

It's not uncommon knowledge that the information in my Match Day envelope wasn't at all what I was expecting. It left me shocked.

I did something stupid today, I made a pros and cons list about SIU's program. Why on earth did I do this? Needless to say it was a very lopsided list. It left me no better than before. It had no purpose. No matter what I decide about the program I have to go.

What a whiny baby I'm being. I admit it. I'm going to be a Radiologist in 5 years. Which is exactly what I wanted. I guess I was just thinking I could have my cake and eat it too. There are plenty of people out there that didn't match at all. I could be in that boat, and for that I'm thankful.

In case you haven't noticed this blog is more random ramblings than actual insight into me.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Positive Stressors

I love this fish, originally uploaded by Ducky Doc.

To start with a "Dr. Wiki" quote-

"General Adaptation Syndrome-
Hans Selye researched the effects of stress on rats and other animals by exposing them to unpleasant or harmful stimuli. He found that all animals presented a very similar series of reactions, broken into three stages. In 1936, he described this universal response to the stressors as the general adaptation syndrome, or GAS.
Alarm is the first stage. When the threat or stressor is identified or realized, the body's stress response is a state of alarm. During this stage adrenaline will be produced in order to bring about the fight-or-flight response. There is also some activation of the HPA axis, producing cortisol.
Resistance is the second stage. If the stressor persists, it becomes necessary to attempt some means of coping with the stress. Although the body begins to try to adapt to the strains or demands of the environment, the body cannot keep this up indefinitely, so its resources are gradually depleted.
Exhaustion is the third and final stage in the GAS model. At this point, all of the body's resources are eventually depleted and the body is unable to maintain normal function. At this point the initial autonomic nervous system symptoms may reappear (sweating, raised heart rate etc.). If stage three is extended, long term damage may result as the capacity of glands, especially the adrenal gland, and the immune system is exhausted and function is impaired resulting in decompensation."
"Distress is the most commonly-referred to type of stress, having negative implications, whereas eustress is a positive form of stress, usually related to desirable events in a person's life. Both can be equally taxing on the body, and are cumulative in nature, depending on a person's way of adapting to a change that has caused it. The body cannot physically discern between distress or eustress."

Right now lots of wonderful things are happening to me, it's weird.
My body is freaking out with it all. Not sleeping, back hurts, head hurts, stomach hurts. It's all just an odd cycle. While everything is positive it somehow all feels so overwhelming and negative. I know it's all a feedback problem. My body feels exhausted like bad things are happening, but it's really just my body's response to positive things.

I see it happening to the people around me, and we all have different coping mechanisms. Some better than others, some more healthy than others.

It's all very hard for me to explain so I have no idea why I decided to try to write about it.
Probably because I'm avoiding another positive stressor-Studying for an exam.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I miss the ice

Not only because it was beautiful, but because life felt slower. Everything is flying at me at a million miles an hour right now. I question if I am ready for any of it. When the ice was here everyone was moving at a different pace. Slow, methodical.

I realize the days were the same length, and that time wasn't actually slower, but something about that deep cold made the days seem to drag on. Now that we've defrosted things seem to be flying by. Each day seems shorter. Each event seems closer. Match day, wedding, graduation, moving (most probable), new job, new people, new bills. It's head spinning. I feel like if I had more time to prepare it would all be easier. But on the other hand I'm anxious for it all to begin.

If I could arrange it perfectly things would fly by until March 20th when a new "deep freeze" would set in allowing me to catch up from what could make my head spin in a whole new way.